THE SHADOW AND CENTERING PRAYER

INTRODUCTION

Kerwyn has told his story of how Shadow emerged in his life, how he recognised it, how it influenced his unfolding life story. He has done this brilliantly, humourously and poetically as only he can.

He referred to the Wednesday morning meeting with Peter and myself. This was a fascinating experience.  Never have I seen Shadow so clearly revealed. Kerwyn brought out his arsenal of defences and used his powerful mind in an attempt to avoid what he needed above all else to do.  That he was finally able to turn and face his Shadow is evidence of his courage.  It is not easy to face the Shadow.

My task is to develop some of the concepts and to point to the effects of Centering Prayer on Shadow.

WHAT IS SHADOW?

What is Shadow?  Shadow is all that we repress into the unconscious because it is not acceptable to the significant people in our lives.  Our first drive is to survive.  We will do whatever is necessary in order to meet our survival needs.  Babies and small children cannot survive without the care of their parents or primary caregivers.  As children, we learn what will win the response of the powerful adults in our lives and what will not.  We cultivate those attitudes and behaviours that win the attention of these powerful adults and we bury those that do not.  As a result of this, we create a split within our selves.  We develop the Persona, or part of ourselves that is acceptable to others, and we show this part; and we hide the part that we think unacceptable, and we bury this in the unconscious.  We thus create a divided self.  For us to come to a sense of wholeness we have to recognise and integrate these two parts of the personality.

The parts that we reject and push into the unconscious become the Shadow self.  And because these parts are not developed and expressed, because the rough edges are not smoothed, they tend to remain primitive, crude, unrefined.  From the unconscious, they can drive behaviour.  They can also surface seemingly inexplicably in ways alien to the outer self or Persona.

Take, for example, a young woman I once knew.  She was caught in pleasing behaviour, was the typical “nice little girl.”  And since pleasing others often required that she be helpful, she had developed “the helper,” part of her personality and couldn’t do enough for others, whether this was detrimental to herself or not.  The prospect that she might not please, that she might be disapproved of terrified her.  Any move out of her known environment, any task that took her from the familiar, paralysed her with fear.  What if she failed? What if she displeased?  Anxiety about this often made her sick.

Her parents were good people but they too had been misshaped by their own experiences as children.  In order to feel worthwhile themselves, it was important for them to feel loved and needed.  They fostered dependency in her.  They felt good when she needed them.  They conveyed to her verbally and non-verbally the message that she was to please them.  And since they needed her to be dependent on them, when she was dependent, they let her know how pleased they were.  They kept her close to home, tied her to their apron strings.  The “Please Me” message kept her stuck, her life enmeshed in theirs.  She did not develop a sense of her distinct individuality. She was terrified to be on her own, to take responsibility for her life.

There were no major collapses in the first half of her life.  Mummy and daddy loved her and she loved them.  And all was well – or so it seemed.  But then the challenges of life came: the challenge to leave her comfort zone and to accept promotion on the job; the challenge of intimate relationship; the challenge to move into the unknown; she was unseated.  On the one hand she wanted the opportunities that change brought; wanted the intimacy of close relationships, wanted the income and status of promotion on the job and yet fear paralyzed her.  The very thought that she might fail and displease others, especially her parents, overwhelmed her.  There was crisis after crisis.  Sometimes she dulled the pain of the divided self with alcohol.  At other times the usual tranquillisers were prescribed.  These gave temporary relief, steadied her until the next crisis, when the process began again.

There were occasional glimpses of the Shadow in the cutting remark, in the occasional flare of irritability, in the rare appearance of the rebel.  But more often than not all of this was hidden from consciousness and the “nice girl” prevailed.

 What she needed was what she had effectively buried in the unconscious. She needed her Shadow to come into the light of day to balance her.  She needed to free her aggressive energies so that she could be assertive, make claims for herself and not just be the “nice girl” pleasing others.  Above all she needed her aggressive energies so that she could claim her independence, an adult self distinct from her parents; an adult self willing to carve a place for herself in the world and to forge her own relationships.  She needed to take responsibility for her life.  She needed to be freed from the prison of “Please Me” and to be willing to risk disapproval.  The big challenge for all of us is to balance the polar opposites within ourselves.

 She could not achieve this balance until she was able to recognise her Shadow, the opposite personality within her, accept it and live with the tension of the opposites within.  When she did, life became more harmonious and the future opened up with promise.

 Be wary of the all perfect person.  The person who seems to have it all together on the outside is often in chaos within.  The person of perfect order on the outside where everything is spotless and the emphasis is on perfection has a polar opposite within that is far from orderly and probably has a beast on a leash waiting to break loose.  Often this opposite other, this Shadow self buried in the unconscious reveals itself in dreams.  The brighter the Persona, the more terrifying the dreams!

 The Shadow buried in the dark dungeon of the unconscious, rejected and denied can become an enemy and play havoc with our lives.  The Shadow brought into the light of day can become a much needed friend that brings balance and harmony to our lives.  Which it will be for each of us, is within our choice.

 We all have a Shadow. Don’t fool yourself into thinking you are the exception and you are free from Shadow. You are not!  We don’t escape the Shadow personality.  It is within us all – whether we see it or not, acknowledge it or not.  We can escape it no more than we can escape our shadow cast by the sun.

 Try this experiment.  Stand in the sunlight at different times in the day and look for your shadow.  You will see it constantly changing position.  At times it is in front of you, at other times beside you – on one side of you or the other - and at others again it is behind you.  It is always there.  Interestingly enough, it is only when the sun is directly overhead and you stand, as it were, in direct alignment with the sun that the shadow disappears, seemingly beneath your feet – at one with you.  Try the experiment.  I have.  It can be fun.  It can also bring insight.  What is it to be in alignment with the Sun – Source of light, of life and of love.

 Visualization Exercise

Let us try this now in a spirit of fun.  Call upon your imagination.  You all have imagination.  Imagine yourself standing in the sunlight.  It might help you to close your eyes and center yourself as you do this.  A few deep breaths help you to center.

 Now imagine it is midday.  The sun is directly overhead.  Look towards your feet and you will see your shadow disappearing under your feet – integrated into you, at one with you.  Align yourself with the sun.  Experience the sense of alignment in your body, your feelings, your mind.  What is it like for you to feel aligned, to feel whole, to feel the divisions within you coming together in harmonious relationship?  “Let Go” to this experience of wholeness and harmony as the good and the bad, the positive and negative come together.  Experience what it is like to be at one with yourself.  Experience a sense of wholeness.

 When you are ready slowly, gently open your eyes and as you do so bring with you into the external environment the sense of wholeness.